Nothing Else Matters

I really thought that when I woke up this morning that my day was going to suck.  First off my husband's best friend decided it was a smart idea to call MY cell phone at 4am this morning because he had seen a status updated I had posted 12 hours previously saying I had lost my phone.  However in the same post I said never mind Dan found it.  Then because we were awoken by the phone ringing the cats thought it was time to play.  ( I own 2 very annoying cats) The first cat decided the Mommy and Daddy were both a great punching bag to tread on. On our face! The second cat (the one who has chewed through so many cell phone chargers that I now charge my phone in our truck) decided that he wanted to play with the plastic the fan was blowing around.

After finally getting the two of them to settle down we finally were able to close our eyes just in time to hear WHAAAAA! Sarai was awake.  NOOOO! I thought as I crawled out of bed to see what she needed.  I am too tired for this.  As I went into her room she settled down and went right back to sleep.  Oh thank you self soothing baby.  Around 7 the alarm went off and Daddy got up to get her.  Grumbling as he went that he was too tired and he was woken up to often last night.  Grouch!  I was up just as much as he was but do you hear me complaining? NO.

Things went from bad to worse as the morning progress.  I had a doctor's appointment scheduled for 1015 this morning and I just knew that it was going to make for a very long day.  Around 845, Sarai started getting really fussy and tired.  She started to doze right in my arms so I looked at my husband, who was laying back in his chair with his eyes closed, and asked him to take her to her crib.  He asked me "but what about your appointment? If she goes to sleep now we will miss it."

Did he think I didn't already think about that?  Did he assume that I wasn't going to go out of my way and cancel my appointment so that he could go back to sleep?  Don't I always put his needs in front of my own?

And of course I didn't say any of this to him.  I just smiled and said "It's no big deal, hunny. I will just reschedule."

So as I sent my daughter and my husband back to bed, I began to wonder if this was what my life had become.  Had I allowed myself to disappear into the roles I was staring in?  Have I finally forgotten what it was like to come first?

Please don't get me wrong.  I love being Dan's wife and Sarai's Mama.  I wouldn't trade my life for anything.  I have seen what the other side holds and I don't want that.  But maybe that's the problem.  Maybe I need to figure out what it is that I do want.  Do I want to be defined as the roles I play? Or do I want to be Lyndsay who just happens to be a mom and wife?

Almost 2 years ago I wrote a blog entitled Susie Homemaker.  I just went back to reread that blog because I felt it gave me such insight to who I was when I wrote that.  Am I the same person?  No, but that's the good news.  2 years ago I was struggling with who I am in this world.  Now I am struggling with who I am in my life.  Might not sound different but it is.  2 years ago I defined my self as a battered woman, struggling to survive my life.  Today I am proud to say that I have been free from my enemies as such.  But that is a different blog and I am getting off topic.

So why did I say that nothing else matters?  Well because something happened this morning to make all the pain, and stress, and heartache that I have been feeling and wipe it all away.  Sarai said MAMA.  I felt like I was a kid in a candy store.  I couldn't believe just how much my baby girl was growing up.  I was getting down because my husband woke up grumpy.  How many times have I done that  to him?  I was angry because things weren't going my way but since when have they ever gone the way I wanted them to.
At that moment when my little angel reached up from her Daddy's arms and said Mama, my heart melted just like it did the moment I met her for the first time.  I hadn't disappeared.  I was right there and she reminded me who I was.  I was Mama and that is a name I will proudly answer to every day of my life.