Saturday, February 18, 2012

Is anyone out there?

Before you read any farther let me be the first to say that this is how I remembered things happening in my life.  If someone has another point of view for how things happened that is fine but allow me to express my feelings about a situation.

I have no idea what to write.  I have been working on this first blog for over 4 hours and every time I get about a paragraph into it I delete everything that I have written.  I don't know what people want to read about.  I don't know why people would want to write a blog for others to read.  While I do love to read about people who have goal in mind and the ways that they get to it, I have never understood the reasoning behind it.

What do you want to read about?  I don't know if I will ever even have a reader for this blog.  I figure that if I work at it some days I will have a stroke of genius and everything will make sense.  However for now I guess I will follow the same advice that other writers use.  Write what you know.

So what is it exactly that I know?  Well I know how stressful it is to raise a 8 month old little girl going through her first ear infection.  I know the struggles that a new wife faces in the first 2 years of marriage.  I know how hard it is to get approved for disability.  So I guess I should start at the beginning.  But where exactly is the beginning?  Is the beginning the day I realized I was not going back to work?  Is the beginning the day we found out I was pregnant?  No I guess not.  I guess to fully understand who I am and why I do what it is I do in the way that I do it I have to go back even farther.

I guess it started on Valentines Day 2003.  I was so excited that morning when I woke up.  I didn't know that my entire life and my entire way of thinking about going to change before the night was over.  I was in my junior year of high school.  It was my first Valentines Day that I actually had a real date.  I know that I was just a teenager who had rose colored glasses on but it was so special to me.  Until 2pm that afternoon.  I was sitting in my study hall when the school nurse came to get me.  Now this was not a rare occasion for me to be pulled out of class but this was unusually for the nurse to come and get me.  She was normally trying to keep me out of her office.

When I got to her office, another unusual thing occurred.  My parents were waiting for me there.  Not just my mom, but my dad as well.  They were on their way to a retreat but needed to talk to me before they left. They had just gotten a call from my Aunt before getting ready to leave.  She had just been diagnosed with stage 4 breast cancer.  They were coming to my high school to tell me the results of the tests before they left for the weekend.

I felt betrayed.  Not by my parents but by the world in general.  Why was this happening to our family?   Hadn't we suffered enough?  We had just buried 2 of my uncles who had lost their battles to lung cancer.  Did we really need to go through this again?

We watched as she went through chemo, radiation, and surgery in the hopes of finding the cure.  For 18 long and painful months we watched as the woman everyone loved to be around slowly started drifting away from us.  We sat by unable to do anything as she forgot who we were.  My dear aunt who I loved and was closer to then my own mother at the time was dying and no one could stop it.  On August 26 2004, heaven gained another angel.  And I lost my desire to do any thing or care about anyone.

From the moment we got down to my grandparents house to start the funeral arrangements, I was pissed.  I was pissed at my Grandma who told me that there would be no tears in her house that weekend.  I was pissed at God for taking my aunt.  I was pissed at everyone that came by acting like they knew her.  They didn't know her.  She was my aunt!

Well I have to sign off for now.  But don't worry I will return to continue the story of my life.

1 comment:

  1. So sorry for your loss! I love how real your blog is. None of the fakeness that most people do where they put on the face and say everything is ok. I am so glad I get to know you more through reading your blogs!